Our Lifelong Stories: April 2015

Beauty in the Messes

4/30/2015

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After a Terribly Hard Tuesday...

4/28/2015

This day has been rough! I've went about my day just like any other normal day. I've worked, made dinner, took care of the needs of my family, but it's been rough! And...as Mother's Day gets closer, it seems the days get even harder.

I put on my smile, and I'm a happy person, for the most part. There are times though that I'm really, very terribly sad. For the past few days, I've even found myself in tears at any given moment. The reason? I'm reminded that in less than two weeks I won't have a Mom to visit on Mother's Day. I can visit her, but she won't be able to sit and talk with me. I can give her flowers, but I won't hand them to her, like a lot of the Mother's Days before now. Instead, if she gets flowers from me this year, I'll place the flowers in the vase on her grave.

I'm reminded that Mother's Day is probably the last day we really got to spend together on this Earth (prior to Mom being on life support). We went to church that morning, and spent time that afternoon with her. Little did I know then, that Mother's Day would never be the same again after that one.

This year, I get overwhelmed by the Mother's Day advertisements to "buy your Mom this" or "buy your Mom that." Sometimes, the world needs to realize that what is a normal holiday for some, quite frankly, is a heartbreaking holiday for others. Yes, life goes on after a funeral, but life changes, and sometimes we have to develop a new normal.

My new normal is something I've not quite reached yet. Some days I think I have found that new normal, but then I'll have tough days like today, and realize that things aren't normal after all. It's a hard thing to experience, and something that really can't be described! How do you develop a sense of "normal" when the person you first ever knew on this Earth, the person who shared your first breath of air, the person who fed you, clothed you, and taught you how to walk when you were small isn't there any longer to pick you up when life gets messy when you get older? The truth is...it's the way life is...it moves in circles, it's my new normal in not a so normal kind of way. Each morning I'm reminded of the void my parents have left in our lives. I'm reminded of the times we've shared, but I'm also reminded of the times we'll miss.

I hope for those who still have their Moms this Mother's Day...they don't miss the opportunity to hug them, thank them for all they've done, and really appreciate the gift a Mom is. On Mother's Day, Moms may receive gifts, but good Moms are really the gift. The children are actually the ones really getting an incredible gift in return.

My new normal...I'm thankful for a very patient husband and kids. While most days are filled with smiles and laughter, they realize there are even some days that are not. Some days I'm a tearful mess, because of another upcoming dreaded first. You know...the season of firsts in grief. The first holidays and times you'll find the empty seat of those you're grieving for.

After being a tearful mess today, Justin provides me with blankets and pillows on the couch, and insists I stay put. I'm reading a book just like any other ordinary day, even though I realize it's not so ordinary after all. Ordinary would be getting a call from Mom at some point during the day. I'm reminded yet again though, that where she is there isn't a phone number where I can reach her.

No matter how much I dislike the void my parents left in our lives when they passed away...I'm thankful for the family and friends I have to help me find this new normal (whatever that really is, if there's even such a thing)! I'm thankful for the happy days I have with those I love so very much. I'm even thankful for a husband who tries his very best to understand my grief when I go from being a happy person to being terribly sad. I realize I've got an awesome guy when he insists I stay put on the couch, just because he knows that I've had a hard day.

Life is sometimes messy, and it hurts. I do see the beauty of life though, and I'm thankful!